Pain and Suffering

10527862_510828575730612_47922564812444333_nWorlds Without End is pleased to present this guest contribution from Viliami Pauni. Viliami is married with four daughters and currently resides in South Jordan, Utah. He loves Bob Marley more than Brigham Young, but not as much as Joseph.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” —Viktor Frankl

I chose to become inactive a little more than a year ago. It was a good choice. It has brought me a great deal of freedom and happiness. Lately, most of my spiritual experiences have been within a Zen Buddhist context. That said, there hasn’t been a day since that I haven’t thought about Mormonism. I watch Mormonism from the sidelines as I suspect many others do. I see the struggle for equality. I know more than a few who agitate for change within the Church and they suffer as the fight wages on. I often wonder if the Brethren are listening. I’m sure they hear the cries of the Saints as they plead for relief but I don’t think they are actively listening. I sometimes wonder why these good people don’t just walk away from the Church as I did? Their participation is voluntary and so is their suffering. Why not simply choose to distance themselves from the source of their pain? I groan within myself and scream, “Just leave! Be done with it all!”

Pain is mandatory but suffering is optional. Suffering within the Church is definitely optional. Just choose to leave and the suffering will end.  Why not? Why? Why? Why?!?!

For more than a year I struggled to find answers to these questions. None came…until this week. When the changes to the Church Handbook were leaked I was driving to dinner with a friend. From the passenger seat he read the changes aloud. I felt like I had been kicked in the heart. I masked most of my emotions. The friends we had dinner with that night are all involved in Mormon Studies in some form or another so it was natural for us to talk about the changes. Our discussion was mostly cerebral. I don’t think any of us were ready and willing to discuss our innermost feelings. I wish I would have said more. I wish I would have shared feelings and not just thoughts. I left unsettled and unsatisfied.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I got up quietly from my bed and went downstairs. I sat down, put my head in my hands, and began to weep. I stayed like that for some time. I asked myself why I was suffering? My soul was troubled. Something was very wrong. Why was I choosing to suffer when the suffering was optional? Why not just disengage? The suffering could end anytime I wanted it to. Why? Why? Why? The answer came in a moment of inspiration and clarity.

Because I am Mormon! I will always be Mormon. I may not go to Church anymore but these are my people. In baptism I was sealed to all Mormons in a covenant relationship:

Behold, here are the waters of Mormon . . . and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death.

I may not understand your suffering completely, but I will suffer with you. I will love you. I will comfort you. I will succor you. I will support you. I have not gone too far away. I am near enough to offer you the right hand of fellowship, and if needs be, a shoulder to catch your tears.

Pain is mandatory. Suffering is optional, but when it comes to my brothers and sister in the gospel, I choose to suffer with you. We are a family—and families are forever.

All my love,

V-

Comments

Pain and Suffering — 9 Comments

  1. Pingback: So, You Heard Mormons Don't Like Gay Couples and Their Kids? (or, The New Policy Sucks) - Nearing Kolob Nearing Kolob

  2. Thank you for this. I am sure many felt as I did the joining of hearts as one.

    -Stu (“Doctor Steuss”)

  3. You need not feel pain any longer!
    Pretty much all the doctrine you were taught about Mormonism is founded on lies. The lie that God communicates with a living prophet and guides us each day to live a better life. The lie that you will inherit God’s kingdom and create your own worlds, if you are faithful. The lie that you will be resurrected to a perfect body and live in eternal glory.
    Unfortunately the process of ‘de-mormonification’ is a slow one, there are still so many behaviours I retain Tom
    my active years of membership. But he’d are more about morality rather than religion- as the former is more important to have than the latter! My Never-Mormon wife says jokingly that She is the antidote to Mormonism – I’m so glad that she is. Outside of the Mormon goldfish bowl, you can look in with clarity. When you were inside it, everything looking out appeared distorted! Live your life! Be free- do something truly wonderful because you want to , not because some mythical being supposedly commands you too. Good luck, man .

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  5. I spend 40 hrs/wk at work, I spend 36 hrs/wk at home with family. I spend 3 hrs/wk at chcurh. I spend 2 hrs/wk with chcurh related events. Yes – it is so demanding. I get home and have two hours a night to spend time with my kids – to get them ready for bed and read them a story. I get home early on Friday to spend time with my kids – to have a movie night and have home made pizza. I have most of Saturday (because I work Saturday mornings) to watch football, go the park, take my kids to the library, or anything else we have planned for a Saturday to spend time together which often includes help make dinner with my daughter because it is her day to make dinner. On Sunday I go to chcurh, come home and spend time with kids, take a nap, call family, help make dinner and have family home evening since I don’t have much time on Monday nights – Maybe one night there may be a chcurh function, or I often volunteer some time at the YMCA – things may come up here or there. I spend one hour a month to prepare for a lesson I have to give on Sunday.So tell me – please – Tell Me how I am wrong. Tell me how I am so swamped with meetings that I have no time for my kids. Tell me how the chcurh is so demanding that I don’t get to read my kids to sleep, or make treats with them, or eat dinner every night with them, or take my son to his soccer class or go to my daughter’s school functions, or go to the library for story time. Tell me how I never get to go on date night with my wife because the chcurh is always demanding my time, or how I never get to rock my little one to sleep – I’m waiting – you know so much – so tell me, please